Monday, May 31, 2004

Library Squirrel's 9 Rules to Dating

A little light-hearted musing, to follow that penultimate big heavy.

Nine sure-fire rules to dating success, based on true, squirrel-tested examples.

1. Never continue to date a man unless he is truly liked by at least 50% of your friends. Most women have better taste in friends than they have in men. When you dump a bastard, for example, your friends will usually say "I never really thought he was the man for you." Don't let it get to this stage.
2. Tell the man straight up that he must pass muster with at least 50% of your friends. This will weed out the faint-of-heart.
3. Always date a man who can cook really well.
4. Never date a man named Dave. There is always something fishy about a man named Dave, only to be discovered later. An exception to this rule is the rare and elusive David. For example, my friend Del is married to a David, who is a kind and interesting person, and who can also cook (see rule #3).
5. Never date a man who says he liked "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". This is a very bad sign.
6. Never, ever date a man who says he's "in love with the OED" (these men usually have goatees, coincidentally). This man is still an embryo, and may one day become a grown-up - but not in your lifetime.
7. Find out if your date is keeping a secret list of sacrifices that he has made for you, as reasons why you must stay with him forever. If such a list exists, run. Run screaming.
8. Look very hard at a man who, after you've been dating for two months, says "I dreamed last night that we had a baby, and he was very cute." This relationship may be going a bit too fast for you.
9. Do not dismiss outright the 40-year-old smoker who currently happens to live with his mother, and who has a grown child. It's a risk, I agree, but this may turn out to be the perfect match for you (esp. if #1 and #3 are true).

Ancillary List, for Parents

1. Always teach your son to cook. If he knows how to cook well, he can have any girl (or boy) he wants.
2. Never name your son Dave. This will curse him at birth to a life of peregrine loneliness.

What I love about this blog thing is that I get to be my own editor, and so I can be heavy, then silly, then didactic, then mysterious. It's too much fun. It very much fits the squirrel temperment.


Blogger liz said...

Okay, now--about that HGU exclusion clause.

While I haven't actually *asked*, I have a strong suspicion that my guy, who likes such things as the Red Dwarf and Fawlty Towers series, would probably also like HGU.

Can he be excused because he actually *is* English? (And an exceptional cook...spent an entire afternoon making curry from scratch, including grinding his own spices and so on.)

12:40 pm  
Blogger Gwen said...

Perhaps it is best not to take each rule on its own, but to consider the fellow against the rules as a whole. I am, after all, married to the (now) 49-year-old smoker who was living with his mother when I met him. I think old, divorced, lvng-with-mum, smoker would have been a no-no before I had met him. I must also say that yesterday a Dave came to mind that was not a bad fellow. So I may not even be firm on the Dave rule (can't believe I'm saying this).

You still might want to bring up HGU couched in a trivial way, to see if there is a very strong response. If he starts to froth and gains a metallic sheen, come to the squirrel for more counsel.

1:50 pm  
Blogger Gwen said...

What's more, always take a hard look at someone who can make a fine curry. These are keepers.

1:56 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and i always thought it was "pass mustard". what a letdown. if i was a libarian, of course i would have known it was "pass muster"; and i would likely know the history - culturally and geographically - or somesuch fascinating trivia behind the phrase.

luckily, i spent my precious youth drinking hitest instead.

6:11 am  
Blogger liz said...

--Whew--! Good to know the rules are a bit flexible.

Even as leftovers, that was a darn good curry.

However, I awoke suddenly yesterday from an otherwise fine nap, realizing I meant to write "HGG" ("Galaxy") rather than "HGU" ("Universe")-- conflating the titles in the series a bit, I guess. -sigh-

11:45 am  
Blogger Gwen said...

In fact, I had 'Universe' written down in the blog for 20 minutes before I realized that it is actually 'Galaxy'. Perhaps we share a brain. My husband keeps saying "That Liz, she sounds like one of your friends. She sounds like Lori K." "Yeah," I said, "Except that Lori K. would not have rescued the stranded fish. She would have fried them in butter."

4:47 pm  
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